The one where I’m still hurting

Tired of acting like everything is fine

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t act like everything was fine and try to be happy. 

Nothing ever ends well. Nothing. I’m so tired of falling.

Why, did you give me hope we could work out. 

Why, did you tell me you loved me when you weren’t even sure. 

You told me, “I have been hurt. I loved and gave my all and every time they left. I’m so tired of getting hurt, I no longer want a girl, I realized I need to work on my self and make my career happen, I will stay single till I turn thirty.”

I told you, “I’ve been hurt too. I loved and gave my all to the point most of the time it was too damaging to me. I have been staying away from guys entirely this year cause I’m tired of getting hurt. I wish to stay single forever, and I do want to make my career happen too. I guess we have some things in common.”

I trusted you. I told you why I am the way I am now. I told you why my self esteem is low. You told me my looks doesn’t matter. You told me I can change what I look like whenever I wanted. You can’t change personality. 

The time I spent talking to you I found out new things about you, you found out deepest secrets and pain I’ve been thru. I told you I was tired of getting hurt. And idk if I can take anymore. 

I told you before I met you I was adamant on taking my own life. On my birthday. 

I wanted to die. I told you how my mental health was bad. You told me your story. You didn’t give up. You made me want to live and try. 

You told me you loved me. We both knew we felt more than just friends. It was more than just friends. 

I was so happy to know you loved me. I spent a while thinking if I should give my all. If you would be like the rest and break me more. 

Then I remembered you were as much as broken as I was. We both went through hell and pain. 

I gave you my all, to only get a part of your heart. 

Your status was I love Lia, yet you told your friends she’s just a friend. 

You made me want to be the better version of myself. Change for the best. Do new things. Be myself. 

I had the best one month and few days.

I never felt this with anyone else. 

Everything was going good. 

I should had known nothing ever stays good for me. 

Why did you say you love me if you weren’t sure?

Why did you make me want to live, if you were going to break me more?

Why did you hurt me this bad, if you knew what the pain felt? 

You never cared to check on me even after you ended things as if it was no big deal and moved on quickly like nothing ever happened. 

Like what ever we had was just a feeling less dream. 

Like we were never genuine. 

You go tell your friend I wanted to date you and that was a turn off. 

The day you wanted us to take a break to think about your life, you told me you were going to ask me to go out with you.

Keeping that in mind I wrote a letter to you, and you dare tell your friend I wanted to date you and that was a turn off?

I never initiated anything with you. You bought feelings into this. You wanted to date. I didn’t even want labels between us. I was fine with whatever we had. 

I knew so much about you. I knew you used to fuck anywhere with any chick you found. I knew there was people after you for dumb reasons. I knew your girls hurt you in past. I knew you’d do anything for the girl you love. I knew you didn’t believe in god. 

To me your past and beliefs didn’t matter. You are this man you are today cause of all that.

Remember I told you, a list of things I found good about you? Let’s forget that and write a list of bad things about you. 

You don’t tell me the truth. You try to act like the nice guy. You say things you don’t mean. You aren’t a man of word. You never kept up to you word. You never truly cared about me. You are toxic. You are selfish. You have a ego bigger than your dick. 

How dare you say you had your fair share of women in your life and that’s why you didn’t want to try things with me. 

I am more than just sex. I gave you something you never got before, love. Genuine love. I loved you with my heart, cause I thought you deserved it. And I thought you loved me back. 

You told me and also gave me hope after the break we’d be still a thing. 

I’m needy. I’m not needy. For fucks sake, we just spent a month together in vc twenty four over seven talking to each other getting used to sleeping and waking up in voice chats. 

And you expect me who, 1) pushed her friends away, 2) gave up on everything, 3)who was planning to kill herself, to all of a sudden find things other than talking to you all the time? 

You expected me to get used to you being busy in just a few days? 

I told you to give me time to not be needy. Give me time to find new things to do. 

But no, Lia you are needy. 

I told you everything, I told you i don’t want to get hurt, I told you. I told you. 

I fucking told you. 

Last year my mental health was terrible. 

You made it worse. Knowing everything I told you, you purposely just hurt me. You purposely pushed me more down. 

And you never even asked me how I was, after telling me you no longer loved me. 

It was five days of break. Without talking to each other. How do you not love me after five days? 

How do you not miss me during those five days when I was literally dying to hear your voice, dying to hear you say I love you Lia, don’t let your self esteem make you think otherwise. 

How was it so easy for you to just act like nothing ever happened between us and move on this easily. 

Are you heartless? Do you not feel? Did you seriously never felt during what we had? 

Lia, let’s just be friends you are cool to vibe with. 

You hurt this friend of yours and never asked or checked up on her. 

When she cried herself to sleep. When she had her breakdowns back. When her chest ached cause her breakdowns got worse. When she started to randomly pass out. When she started to black out and wakeup in places she doesn’t remember with bruises all over her. 

When she who now wants to live and try cause i believe we met, not to be together, but to make me want to live. 

Everything happens for a reason. If it’s meant to be it will happen if not it won’t. 

Fate. It wasn’t meant to be. 

When she who wants to live woke  up next to a knife after last nights black out.

For three days I tied myself to bed so I don’t hurt myself. 

You said what you felt was genuine. 

You said you loved me. 

You said you cared about me. You care about me. 

You said we can still be friends. 

You never checked up on your chill friend. 

You just moved on, with your scrim matches, sexual jokes, and normal life, like I never mattered, like I never existed, like I was nothing. 

You made me want to live, but you also made me never want to love or trust. I don’t ever want to be loved, to be wanted, or to ever love again.

I can’t wait to move on from this mess. 

You caused, I’m stuck in. 

We both jumped into the ocean. You swam away. Letting me drown hoping I don’t drown.

I somehow have to float and get back on shore now.

I know I can. I know I’m still hurt. I know getting over and moving on is hard.

I wish I’d stop crying over you. Stop hurting over you. Stop thinking you did all this cause I wasn’t good enough.

Nobody, no one will ever love you or accept you like I did. And that is something you will mrealize when you realize you do want to be loved still. 

I wish you’d run to my house on a rainy day to make sure I don’t hurt myself, and lose your wallet again.

I wish I never met you. Cause now I want to live and you made it hard for me to.