The one after the talk

The one after the talk 

This past month was one of the greatest time I had, on the 15th of September I met this really awesome man. 

I somehow let my guard down and really felt it for him. This past month was one of the best times I ever had. So many good memories. 

It’s a pity good things don’t last long. At least not for me. We were never a thing, yet it felt like so much more than just friends.

I was so happy when you said I love you. I genuinely wanted this to work then. Was I scared of getting hurt? Yes. Did I doubt if it would work out? Yes.

I’m going to miss what we had a lot. I wish I could stop this time and rewind and live all the good moments and actually appreciate that time more than I did.

My heart keeps aching to go back to that. 

I dated many loved many but he felt like the one for me, I think I just found my genuine first love but sadly it didn’t work out. 

More like he didn’t want to try, this could had worked out. I don’t need him to make me a priority or sacrifice things for me.

He can still go about his day and be together yet 

he doesn’t want to commit.

He says I can get someone better. And he isn’t the one. 

I was so hurt when he said that. 

‘I think this is the best for me’ he said. 

All this really makes me wonder if this was entirely just a one sided thing even tho he was the one who confessed first. 

Maybe he didn’t genuinely feel it but just said and I ended up genuinely feeling.

I will never know, or understand what’s on his mind and what he thought about all this. 

Sometimes I feel like he is just pushing me away cause he thinks he isn’t good enough for me. 

Sometimes I feel like he is just being nice about it and not telling me at my face that he just doesn’t like me like that.

I know he has been hurt and he has given his all to many so have I, and I wanted to change that for you. 

I’d never hurt you. 

You hurt me many.

Yet I still want to go back to what we had even tho you hurt me so much.

And I don’t know why. 

I don’t know why I wanted this so badly. 

I just want to be loved, to be wanted, to be someone’s. And I felt that the past month. 

I don’t know if I can ever give anyone else the chance, I don’t think I can ever give my all ever again.

I am really tired of trying things that never works out. 

I tried and you didn’t even try.

You just let all we had, all we felt  go without even trying or fighting for it. 

You inspired me a ton. To put myself first. To not get feelings  involved and just make my career happen. 

You also make me want to never love again. Cause idk why I just feel like we could had been a thing and yet you just gave up on it and I’m the one who is hurting. 

You aren’t even hurting. It’s not even entirely your fault. Your apologies won’t help me feel any better. 

Perhaps don’t say I love you if you aren’t sure of it?

Cause I was sure. 

I wish you didn’t give up on us. I don’t need you to talk to me for hours when you are busy making your life happen. I would had been fine with just a ily from you every night. And that takes only a second. 

I don’t know what I’m writing at this point. 

I’m disappointed cause I wanted to try cause I hoped this would work out and he didn’t even want to try and just let it go real quick.  

I am never going to love ever again. I genuinely no longer want to be loved, to be someone’s, to be wanted. 

I’m ready to die alone in a pile of money. 

I’m glad I met him tho, cause now all I want to do is fight against my negative mind and live. 

I for once want to try and not give up.

Crying for something that never was a thing. I bet he’d never cry over this. 

“I used to love you. It’s just I don’t want to commit. You wanted me to sacrifice a part of me to be with you. I’m bad. What’s so good about me.”

I still love you. I don’t want to commit right now either. But for you I’d. Only for you. No, I want you to do you and be successful in whatever you want while I support and be there for you. You aren’t bad. You were. 

What’s good about you is, you are caring, you are thoughtful, you are loving, you are polite, respectful, considerate, attentive, you stay true to your word, you have integrity, I can always rely on you, you are honest, you are mature, you have confidence in your self to be yourself, you share positivity. 

And all that over powers what you did in past. It over powers what you were.

you played with the strings of my heart and played a beautiful tune, which I’m never going to forget.

‘I wouldn’t want anyone to wait for me till I turn 30.’

If you wanted us to work out, I would had waited. I would had waited for more than 11 years. If that meant I’d get to be there for you, with you.

In the end.

I’d have always held your hand. Forever.

But you wanted to let go, something that could had been forever.