The one during the break

The one during the break

When days was the darkest and I had given up, I met you. I heard your life story, and it made me want to not give up on mine. You made me want to try this weird thing called life. I hope you understand how much our little talks meant to me.

Your mindset about life, made me want to live. The more I found out about you the more I realised we do be thinking alike, not entirely but yes. I fell in love with the way you thought, your mind, you as a person. This year entirely I have been cold towards others until you. 

I promised myself last year that I won't, love anyone ever again. The first time I texted you about how to text in music channel, I had no idea I'd love you this much. That you’d mean so much to me.

Biggest issue with being with me is, I need alot of reassuring because of my anxiety, my past experiences have convinced me that you don't actually want me. That you will just end up leaving me like everyone else. 

I'm afraid you won't  love me anymore. I'm afraid I'm going to lose you. Im afraid you'd replace me and find someone better than me. I'm afraid someone will make you happier than I can. Im afraid you will lose interest in me, in us. 

I hope you understand I'm damaged. I get triggered easily. I struggle with things. I'm not going to be able to trust you sometimes, because everyone has always left, cheated, or chosen someone else over me. I will need reassurance. I will need you. I will need you to keep choosing me. I'll need you to care when I text you saying I'm getting bad again. I'm a lot, I know this. I should had told you this before hand. If you can't handle all this, don't touch my heart. 

It’s too late now and I’m sorry I have put you in this position where you have to take a break from us. I'm always afraid of losing people I hold close. I hope you would fight to keep me in your life even after knowing I’m a lot to deal with. I hope you won’t give up on us. 

I really want us to work out. I'm sorry I overanalyze situations because I'm scared of what will happen if I'm not prepared for it. The word break has so much bad stigma around it, I just can’t stop overthinking about all this, but I won’t text you until you text me first. So if you are reading this right now, you most probably texted me after week. 

I know you wanted us to take this break so I start doing things that didn’t include you. I know all I do is talk to you, do things with you and I know it’s pleasant and we both enjoy each other’s company but sometimes we do need to do our own thing. I know you can get overwhelmed too. 

I have realized a few things while we haven’t been talking. A lot of my issues. And a lot of things for me to work on. And I really do want to work on those, so I don’t hurt you or put you in a weird position again. During this break, I doubted many things between us. And I guess I will find it out when it’s over.

I know you told me from the start you are going to be single for a long while, and stuff but you also did fall in love with me, and however you told me you love me first.

Do you know for how long I thought of that night and if you really meant it before I go all in with my heart. So the break is over. And I want to know this. Do you truly love me? Do you want to be with me even after knowing I’m a lot to deal with? 

I will wait for your answer. But if you realised you don't feel same way about me anymore, or you can’t deal with this me at this time and we don't talk ever again remember, I really loved you, I was willing to give you my all, I was willing to commit even when commitments scare me and you know why it scares me. I know I said I am happy with what we have going on, I am, but I low key always wished you’d make this official. 

I don’t know what’s going to happen after this break and honestly all I know is I never tried this hard to be with someone. I always chose the easiest way and that was to end things and move on. 

You make me want to try and not give up. Honestly I just want to be with you. And if you don’t, then that’s fine. I will just move on. And accept that we just weren’t meant to be. Accept that I met you for the very reason that I don’t give up on life. But also I will accept the fact that i was born to be alone, cause I am tired of loving, giving my all, getting hurt.  I will always remember you, I will always wish the best for you and pray your dreams and career works out, other than that, you deserve to be loved, someone one day will realize how much of a great person you are, and will love you, so don’t push that away.