The one in pain (venting 101)

 The one in pain

Here comes the night and my thoughts are the wildest. Here comes the nights and my brain is active. Here comes the night and the darkness surrounds me.

Here comes the monsters showering me with negativity, swallowing me whole. It starts with the tiny pangs in my chest, then it spreads all over my body slowly paining more.

I start to sob as the pain grows and spreads. Sobs turn into hardcore wailing like I literally just got stabbed in my heart. That’s what this pain feels like. 

This is what love is to me. A pain, that won’t ever let me feel better. At start it was the best feeling, and at the end it stabbed my heart. 

My heart, my soul is tired of healing. Tired of me glueing it back together all the time. For once I will let this heart heal on its own accord. 

This heart needs to harden up. So much pain this 22 year old heart and soul been thru and I know this won’t ever end. 

Pain never ends. Even when you are dead. 

This is me in pain venting in my public blogpost. Life is cruel, unfair, painful. And I just have to learn to live with it. 

I am tired. I am done. I am done with this darkness always swallowing me and paralyzing me. I am tired of always giving my all. I am tired of always trying to make people around me happy. I’m tired of trying to heal people. I am tired of loving. 

I do this hoping they’d give me what I give back. I am done giving. I understand life now. I understand my life now. 

Everyone around me, runs on money. Craves money. Wants money. Always talks about money. Can’t do anything without money. 

Money. Money. Money. 

I’m either going to earn a lot of money and die on a stack of cash or-

I want to live in a tiny apartment all alone. Forever. 

This is my forever. Alone. I don’t want love, I don’t want to be cared, I don’t want money, I don’t want anything but to be happy. 

And I can’t seem to be happy when I’m surrounded by people. Everyone around me always hurts me, and I’m tired of it. 

I’m always too caring, doing too much of everything and hurting too much. 

I’m no longer going to care or do anything too much for anyone. 

I’m done going out of my way to make others feel happy and content with their day, when I’m slowly thinking of ways to kill my self. 

Nobody ever notices the pain I’m in which is caused by them. 

I am done. I am tired. I just want to be happy, alone.

This year was doing good when I was alone. Idk why I thought I’d give you chance. 

I’m not worth this thing called love. 

At least when I’m alone I know I won’t get hurt or live in pain. You didn’t only make me want to make my career happen. You made me want to never love. 

And I promise to myself, I am done with love. I am content with me, myself and I. 

Fuck this won’t be the last time I vent about this heart break. I’m still moving on. I’m still getting over him. 

And he got over after five days. Gotta love being a man, who knows he can get better, who used be a player, who knows his way around girls, who knows how to play with words.  

I have been hurt too. I gave my all too. That’s why I don’t hurt people around me. That’s why I’m careful around people.

I don’t want people to feel the same as I do. 

I’ll never love again