My Schmaltzy Journey of Life.

  Because I’m disabled   Because I was born with a disease. Because I couldn’t heal it and had to remove it. Because I asked god to make this happen to me.  Because I asked to have cancerous tumors which either gets regressed and healed by chemotherapy and radiation or have to take the part that has the tumor cause if i don’t it’s going to spread and kill me. Because I survived a painful childhood. Because I had to remove my right eye, in order for me to live.  For me to survive and live.  For my parents first child to not die young. I am tired, of constantly being judged. Being treated different, like I’m some sort of a disgusting monster, like I don’t have feelings cause I’m not pretty.  I am tired of men who literally leave me, cause, girl your face it’s just not pretty. You think I asked to look like this? You think I like looking like this? You think I’m glad that surviving this made me have many self esteem issues? Which also was caused by people arou...

Tired of acting like everything is fine I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t act like everything was fine and try to be happy.  Nothing ever ends well. Nothing. I’m so tired of falling. Why, did you give me hope we could work out.  Why, did you tell me you loved me when you weren’t even sure.  You told me, “I have been hurt. I loved and gave my all and every time they left. I’m so tired of getting hurt, I no longer want a girl, I realized I need to work on my self and make my career happen, I will stay single till I turn thirty.” I told you, “I’ve been hurt too. I loved and gave my all to the point most of the time it was too damaging to me. I have been staying away from guys entirely this year cause I’m tired of getting hurt. I wish to stay single forever, and I do want to make my career happen too. I guess we have some things in common.” I trusted you. I told you why I am the way I am now. I told you why my self esteem is low. You told me my looks doesn’t matter. You told me I ...

  The one in pain Here comes the night and my thoughts are the wildest. Here comes the nights and my brain is active. Here comes the night and the darkness surrounds me. Here comes the monsters showering me with negativity, swallowing me whole. It starts with the tiny pangs in my chest, then it spreads all over my body slowly paining more. I start to sob as the pain grows and spreads. Sobs turn into hardcore wailing like I literally just got stabbed in my heart. That’s what this pain feels like.  This is what love is to me. A pain, that won’t ever let me feel better. At start it was the best feeling, and at the end it stabbed my heart.  My heart, my soul is tired of healing. Tired of me glueing it back together all the time. For once I will let this heart heal on its own accord.  This heart needs to harden up. So much pain this 22 year old heart and soul been thru and I know this won’t ever end.  Pain never ends. Even when you are dead.  This is me in pain ...

The one after the talk  This past month was one of the greatest time I had, on the 15th of September I met this really awesome man.  I somehow let my guard down and really felt it for him. This past month was one of the best times I ever had. So many good memories .  It’s a pity good things don’t last long. At least not for me. We were never a thing, yet it felt like so much more than just friends. I was so happy when you said I love you. I genuinely wanted this to work then. Was I scared of getting hurt? Yes. Did I doubt if it would work out? Yes. I’m going to miss what we had a lot. I wish I could stop this time and rewind and live all the good moments and actually appreciate that time more than I did. My heart keeps aching to go back to that.  I dated many loved many but he felt like the one for me, I think I just found my genuine first love but sadly it didn’t work out.  More like he didn’t want to try, this could had worked out. I don’t need him to mak...

The one during the break When days was the darkest and I had given up, I met you. I heard your life story, and it made me want to not give up on mine. You made me want to try this weird thing called life. I hope you understand how much our little talks meant to me. Your mindset about life, made me want to live. The more I found out about you the more I realised we do be thinking alike, not entirely but yes. I fell in love with the way you thought, your mind, you as a person. This year entirely I have been cold towards others until you.  I promised myself last year that I won't, love anyone ever again. The first time I texted you about how to text in music channel, I had no idea I'd love you this much. That you’d mean so much to me. Biggest issue with being with me is, I need alot of reassuring because of my anxiety, my past experiences have convinced me that you don't actually want me. That you will just end up leaving me like everyone else.  I'm afraid you won't   ...