I'm happy :) - Posting Old Drafts.

Never being happy.

What is happiness? I don't know. I don't think I would ever know.

Remember how I told this year would be really positive. And that I'd be happy. And I'd change. I'd be motivated to do what I really love. I would be studying, and doing a job and I'd enjoy this year. Well what a plan I planned which never happened.

So, I have always been really hard on my self. Well I actually hate my self. And I am literally tired. All those posts I wrote before portraying how happy I am, is all fake. I am not thinking positive at all. If there is anything I want to do that is to drain every bit of blood from my body. I want to slowly drag the sharp edge of a knife down my throat. I want to eat handful of pills. I want to jump into the ocean and watch salt water replace the air in my lungs. I want to jump of a building. I want to die. But I wont do it. I don't have the guts. And also a piece of me wants to live. A different life.

She knows harming her self isn't a solution. She is smart and like always maybe she'd find a way out of her crashing world.

Its like I'm trapped in a room without an exit. A room without windows. Just walls.

She claws the wall with her nails until she is tired and collapses down.

That's when she wants to give up. That is also when she passes out.

To wakeup with hope again. And to repeat this.

Everyday the walls keep getting close to her. Suffocating her.

Now she can't move, she is collapsing with the walls crushing her. That's when she gives up to death. She claws her wrist and the same time.

She realises there is no wall surrounding her. She isn't STUCK. By then she's gone.

What am I trying to say? Am I actually saying my solution is death? No silly. It's that when I give up and want to hurt me in possible ways to numb the pain her face shows up in my head. Her voice screams NO.

Death is my friend. She doesn't want me to get to her. She wants to get me herself.

You realise shit when the times up.

When I die, Id value my life.

When I'm here my life is worthless.

That's how I work.

That's how people work too.

When you are here, no one cares. But when are gone even people you never knew would come to your funeral. Celebrating your death.

Life is weird. Life is very weird. When you have it no one cherishes it, when it's gone you want to cherish it but it's too late.

I write. I write. I write. But I don't post. Wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feeling while sharing mine.

The hardest thing I am left to do, is to learn how to love my self. For many reasons I find it the most hardest to even try. It's easy to try to think, I am the prettiest, I am good looking, if not my soul and personality is pretty lit. If not there is always a way to think I am better or something that makes me love my self. But at end of the night you know, that you are not any of these things you are trying to feed your brain into believing so you could love your self.

I always stay home, fuelling my thoughts and at night it explodes as I light my confidence on fire. With time, my confidence, my will to live is fading. Its disappearing. Maybe that is why I spend more time on my bed, doing nothing and procrastinating everything I need to do in order to live a normal life. I will eat later. I will go out tomorrow. I will finish that drawing I started later. I will finish writing that chapter later. I will live later. Maybe for today I will just do nothing and feel bad about my boring ass life.

That's how my days go. Boring ass life. When would I actually go gym, actually try to change things. Tomorrow. It seems like now procrastination is a habit of mine. Or I have started to live my life in this routine.

I thought scars, made you look pretty cool. That was until people started to push me away, throw me out of there live's for the way I look. For many reasons I'm unable to embrace my self for who I am, but I keep on collecting all horrible thoughts. Maybe my thought of dying alone is true, maybe no one would love me like I want to be loved.

Did you really have to be a hopeless romantic. Why is it so hard for me to try. I want to do so many, so so many things in life. But each day passing so quick I am just stuck. I am starting to feel suffocated, people think I am happy. My instagram, might be colorful but my soul aren't. I might smile, I might laugh along with everyone. Who knows, I am not really happy.

Every night, sleepless i am. Think of life, and when I fall asleep my nightmares. Oh nightmare. I always jump off a cliff, into the ocean. It drags me down into no where. Maybe I need something to numb my pain away. No I can't relapse. But I need to, also I have no reason to go back my old ways. I am suicidal for no reason.

Its always alright, I am fine. I will keep on swimming with out my fin.

People are mean. They don't know you. But now I know I am going to die alone, always forever until my friend death comes.

And till then, I'd fake a smile. After all I am happy. :) 

Didn't write it today, don't remember when I wrote it. Was in Drafts for long time just posting.