2020 is near

I spent two fucking years doing nothing.

Never felt this useless ever.

I know I haven't written or vented this way for a long while, hence I'm kinda stuck.

Don't know where to start.

What's wrong? Nothing.

Then why..

Why do i go thru this every night. Why am I feeling like shit.

Why am I unable to, do things I want to do.

Never have I ever been this tired before.

No one seems to care or understand me.

When I say I can't sleep at night I mean I literally can't.

I'm sorry my mind is keeping me up all night to think about useless thoughts that wouldn't even matter when I wakeup some time in the evening.

When I say, I can't stop crying, I mean I can't stop or control it.

I'm sorry all of a sudden I feel like I'm being dragged into a dark corner, and being told to cry. And if I don't, it'd shake me until I give in. If I don't, it'd make me hurt my self until I give in. If I don't, it'd make me stop breathing. And that's when I give in most of the time.

Who'd want to cry? Every night. That's why my eyes are red. That is why im always tired. That is why I don't go out of my house.

I feel like everything is wrong. And it's getting worse. When I give in, and it let's me breathe I pass out. For fucks sake. There is literally nothing wrong in my life. I just have to stand up on my own leg.

Why is it so hard for me to even so that.

Why is it so hard for me to, be normal.

Yeah yeah, normal is boring. Crazy is?

I'm just tired of feeling out of place every where I go, being unable to have fun because oh no what if they don't like me.

Im so tired of being insecure of literally everything.

My life would had been so different if mother was alive.

I tried to not despise God, for taking her away. God can fix me, I prayed. I prayed. And I prayed. It doesn't help me control my thoughts of wanting to be dead.

Then I prayed, I died soon. I mean.. I prayed to heal me. Couldn't happen idk why I thought my pray to die soon would happen.

Why is is so hard for my family to understand that when I say im sick, I really am.

I'm sick of life. I want to die. I know I was excited af for this year, its ending. Was I ever genuinely happy? No.

Oh girl. Just pray to girl and you'd be fine. No I tried, I really want to see a doctor.

'you aren't praying to god enough'

I'm tired of never being good enough.

You are fat, no one will like you.

You are good for nothing.

All these taunts are really getting to me at this point.

I might fight back and say, I'm chubby not fat. My art is nothing? Nah, I can draw and paint. That's talent.

But oh fuck, nah its not.

I don't even know what the fuck im writing at this point.

I'm just tired of feeling this way, tired of being me, I just really want to..

Really want to die.

Ever wonder why all those fire accidents that happened in city didn't scare me?

I secretly wanted to burn in it.

Might as well get trained for hell eh?

Since suicide is a sin..

I just want to be loved..
To be my self.

And I can't seem to make it happen.

20 years, and I haven't achieved anything.

14 years of happiness and the rest is shit.