My Schmaltzy Journey of Life.

Never being happy. What is happiness? I don't know. I don't think I would ever know. Remember how I told this year would be really positive. And that I'd be happy. And I'd change. I'd be motivated to do what I really love. I would be studying, and doing a job and I'd enjoy this year. Well what a plan I planned which never happened. So, I have always been really hard on my self. Well I actually hate my self. And I am literally tired. All those posts I wrote before portraying how happy I am, is all fake. I am not thinking positive at all. If there is anything I want to do that is to drain every bit of blood from my body . I want to slowly drag the sharp edge of a knife down my throat. I want to eat handful of pills. I want to jump into the ocean and watch salt water replace the air in my lungs. I want to jump of a building. I want to die. But I wont do it. I don't have the guts. And also a piece of me wants to live. A different life. She knows harming her...

I spent two fucking years doing nothing. Never felt this useless ever. I know I haven't written or vented this way for a long while, hence I'm kinda stuck. Don't know where to start. What's wrong? Nothing. Then why.. Why do i go thru this every night. Why am I feeling like shit. Why am I unable to, do things I want to do. Never have I ever been this tired before. No one seems to care or understand me. When I say I can't sleep at night I mean I literally can't. I'm sorry my mind is keeping me up all night to think about useless thoughts that wouldn't even matter when I wakeup some time in the evening. When I say, I can't stop crying, I mean I can't stop or control it. I'm sorry all of a sudden I feel like I'm being dragged into a dark corner, and being told to cry. And if I don't, it'd shake me until I give in. If I don't, it'd make me hurt my self until I give in. If I don't, it'd make me stop breathin...

So I have been posting  recently. Which is unusual. I'm tired. I really am. All this night shit is making me worse. Last night my chest ached. I'm scared. I don't want to die. I want to end the pain. The pain of never being taken seri ous. The pain of never being loved. The pain of never being able to make friends. I suck at everything I do. A while ago, I just relapsed. I cut again, after a few months of not doing it. This is bad. I'm aware my thoughts, and my actions are bad. To change that is why I want to seek a professional for. I want to live, but if no one wants to understand and helps me, I'm just gonna die. I wish my mom was alive. I wish I didn't survive cancer. I wish I died, and not my mom. I wish, I was never alive or born. I should had been swallowed. There is nothing I'm good at, there is lite rally nothing I can do. I'm useless. And has so my dad said many times. I can't do anything people my age normally do....

How are you feeling today . "good" she says. Lies. Is. What. She. Tells. "I'm fine" "It's good" "Oh I had fun" Every night, out of the blue she gets the feeling of being dragged into a dark room. Something is very wrong, the voice says. It's worse. It's all worse. Bad thoughts. Bad thoughts. It whispers more to her . She screams "no". But that's useless. Cry. It says. Cry. It keeps on saying. She shakes her head as a no. She doesn't want to do this again. It's grabs her and shakes her violently, and says "hurt your self, it'd make it easier to cry" Unwillingly she throws a few punches at the wall, and tries to gain control of her body by clinging on to her self. Her long nails seep through her skin. It's growing more strong. It's grabs her neck and strangles her. She gasps for air, and she give in . She gave up the fight, as she broke into sobs, crying out like her h...