Last

 Last plea for help

Nobody takes my words seriously.

Nobody takes me seriously.

When I say I’m tired, they tell me ‘go rest, go sleep’

That’s not the tired I am. 

I’m just tired of living.

I don’t want this life.

15th November 1998, I was born.

My parents first child.

My grandparents first grandchild.

The first girl of the house. Everyone was so happy, that I was here.

Then, I got tumors in both eyes.

*Insert sad struggle time* 

So I somehow survived that.

My family loves me a lot even today. They let me get away with shit. They care about me a lot. They spoil me even now and I’m 22 now.

They always made me feel special and loved. 

Yet I don’t feel very wanted and loved. 

Then I went to school. You know you study, and if lucky get friends. 

I was always discriminated, left alone cause of my disability. Oh forgot to mention the tumor? It ate up one of my eye. So my right eye is made out of plastic.

Yet my mom made sure I never let that put me down. I’d come back home and tell my mom everything, and she’d make me feel better. 

She was the best mom. She was a really great human being.

She taught me many good things. I only have good things to tell about her.

She was the best. She was my happiness. She was my sanity. She was my support beam. She made sure her daughter held her head high. 

I was a hella, I forgot the word. I was a wild child. I had confidence, to do shit now I am scared to do.

Life was going good. I had a few close friends in school, who loved me and made sure I know that the negative things others said doesn’t matter to them.

Then my mom got sick. Very sick. And soon she was gone.

Gone was my happiness, sanity and the positivity in my life.

During this my friends left to different schools and we lost connection.

I was surrounded by caring family members yet I felt so alone. 

So alone I was, with emotions i clung onto not knowing who to tell.

Then I met someone on Facebook, someone who was studying in same school but one year higher. 

He said he understood me. 

All I wanted to hear from anyone who’d listen was that they understood me.

I trusted him. I told him all. And eventually I liked him.

On first day of 9th grade I met him. I mean I saw him in school. He was in 10th grade.

I also bought a gift for him when I went to lanka to visit moms grave. 

My mom passed away in lanka. I didn’t get to see her before she got buried. I didn’t get to hug her. No closure. 

The next day after I saw him and gave him the gift, which was a book..

He and his friends started to bully me.

Who? Who was I going to confide in?

Nobody.

Nobody saw me, cry in my class. Nobody saw them bullying me. Nobody saw me slowly dying.

Nobody asked me why I was trying to skip school. Why all I did was cry in my bed. 

I was forced to go to school, deal with the bullying, cry in class and then come back home.

Then I started to fail in my classes. I mean all I did was cry.

And then my family started to taunt me.

My dad started to emotionally abuse me.

Then I started getting death threats from the guy I liked and his friends.

They started to cyber bully me. They posted before and after pictures of the gift I gave him. 

My dad would kick me down with his leg. He would pull my hair. He would lock me in the bathroom with lights off.

And then one day I had enough and was ready to kill myself. 

I had this blanket around the fan and my younger little brother walked in the room. 

After that my father walked in and said ‘yeah yeah why don’t you do that..’

My father. Saw me trying to kill my self. And told me why did I stop?

A few days after that I was in the bathroom almost drank bleach and my uncle just came and took the bottle and left me in the bathroom. 

Yet nobody saw my issues. My struggles. Just left all alone to deal with it. 

And somehow I got over this. I moved on from this. But this left so many underlying issues.

To this day. I’m still depressed. I have anxiety attacks. I have abandonment issues. I have social anxiety. I have self esteem issues. I’m always stuck in a negative circle. 

I over think everything into something negative. I’m unable to do normal things people my age do.

Even now, when I’m in my room struggling to wakeup everyday, my family assumes I’m sleeping all day or just plain lazy.

I’m still struggling everyday. 

Because of these issues, I’m always alone.

Nobody takes my words seriously.

When I say I want to die, when I say i can’t help feeling this way.

I say this a lot. I ask for help.

Yet no one wants to  help me. No one goes out of there way to be there for me. 

Yet I do it for others cause Ik how it feels to be alone when all you want it true honest people who care about you around you. 

I just want to change my mental issues, be happy, have people who love me around me.

I love and always get left alone.

Nobody wants to stick with me cause of my issues, I mean I’m not good looking.

Only goodlooking girls have issues and need help.

I’m tired. I keep repeating everything hoping someone, anybody would help. 

I share quotes, I send subtle hints, yet no one seems to notice.

I’m all alone. Once again, hoping I don’t wakeup the next day, but yet I somehow wake up. 

I’m so tired. I’m so tired of not being taken seriously. 

People will only care and show their love when I literally am gone.

When I finally give up and Kill myself, then 

Only would I be valued. Would I mean something to the people around me. To the so called friends. 

This is my last plea, for help. Last shout for help. 

I’m trying to help myself. I’m trying so so hard but I’m also on this bridge without any railings and I just want to jump off.

Maybe then, I’d be wanted, I’d be loved, they’d care. 

Maybe I really should just die. 

I don’t know for how long I can do this.

All this pain I go to sleep with, I just can’t do this anymore. Nobody understands how hard it is for me wakeup and breathe.

Nobody understands the pain I’m going through and I’m just overwhelmed and tired of it.

And this is my last cry for help.