Regrets

 

Regret is all I have 

I did a lot of venting today, and this is one positive thing I did today.

I have many regrets in life.

One thing I regret a lot this 2021 is losing my chance with this man who treated me special.

I wish he would had understood me a bit more and waited for me.

I know my constant flirting which I do unknowingly, I can’t flirt for the love of god if I try yet unconsciously I be doing that.

Me constantly doing that and when he did it back, my self defense kicked in and made me bro zone him. That’s must had been painful. 

You keep trying with this girl and all she does is push you away, it must be hard. 

I really wish our timing was different.

I wish I gave you the chance when I had the opportunity to.

I wish I wasn’t healing from a past relationship when we met. 

I wish you would give us a chance.

But you have already decided to be just best friends.

All the time I spent with you, I genuinely liked you, I wanted to be with you, but man I have been hurt so many times it’s hard for me to not be cautious, not be like this.

I dated eight guys.

My first date was this guy I met on Facebook. Let’s call him R.

My best friend back then and I dated two best friends. (We both dated guys who were also two friends, so basically I was dating my bestfriends boyfriends bestfriend. Make sense?)

Then I find out from my best friend that he has another girl, who he has been seeing in his island. 

So basically I got played. This was my first heart break. 

We were a thing for two months, or more I don’t remember.

His mom even knew about me. 

He had me as his phone background.

This was after tenth grade. My first boyfriend who I was planning to meet that same year. 

I moved on. Decided you know, looks don’t matter and I always tried to look for a look based person and I give someone a chance.

Let’s call him I. 

I gave him a chance. He wasn’t that good looking. I m not gonna sugar coat, I wasn’t a good person. Who I am now and in past is very different.

I gave i a chance and guess what he did.

He played with me. He would break up with me and put me through emotional stress, several times as a prank.

He would flirt with other girls in front of me. He would tell his friends how easy it is to hurt me and make me do whatever he wanted to. 

After a lot of struggles I left him. 

I was so done with this dating thing. All I wanted was, I still do want is to be just loved. 

Then I met A. He was hella good looking and he was working in police. 

We would talk a lot at night and finally he asked me to be his. 

I was so happy. Then he asked to see me. 

I was fat back then too. And after he saw me, he told me quote “hey my high school sweet heart wants me back, sorry”. The girl he said was his high school sweetheart was just his best friend. Just a excuse to be a nice guy and leave me. And just like that, he left me after one day.

One day.

After that I was single for three years. Studying. Doing me. While struggling with self esteem issues my past experiences has given me. 

I had decided in my mind that I don’t want to date any men from my country. 

Then I joined discord. And then I met P.

He was from Italy. I know I know most of my dates are online, well-

Me and P lasted a year. 

We were best friends for a long ass while.

Then my dad decided to not pay for the internet. 

Online relationship, only way of communicating was online.

Also one thing p and I used to do was play this online game. So to play this game I’d sometimes visit my grandparents with my laptop.

One day I joined him in game and he introduces me to his girlfriend. 

I was so hurt by that. Feelings are feelings. Be it online or irl.

Everyone has feelings. I was so hurt. Also I forgot to mention me and p decided to be more than friends without a label.

Cause labels scare me. I was really scared of labels. 

Since all I saw was, my parents fight since I was a child.

And all my other experiences.

So I was really sad that he just found another girl. I decided to be the best friend I always had been and dealt with him and his girl always flaunting their relationship in my face regardless of my feelings. 

Can I mention that he still flirted and Also cheated on her with me. 

So one day I told her everything cause I didn’t like him lying and cheating on her. So I told her about it and she went off on me saying I was a liar.

Then he told her the truth and they both blamed me. 

Also during this time I didn’t have internet so I was using my neighbors internet while  I’m outside my apartment in my pj.

He told me. He told me the only reason why he likes me was cause of my body.

And if he could put his girlfriends face on me, that would make his perfect girl. 

So there that ended as well.

Giving me more, self esteem, abandonment issues, etc.

After this I took a seven months break and gave this two more guys chances and they both cheated on me.

Then again I went single for a long while until I met g. 

G was from America and in military. I respect military men a lot cause my father is in military too. 

He also used me. And cheated on me.

Man I must have a good body. Just my face isn’t pretty enough. 

Then again I went a year without any contact with men, ignoring and pushing them away.

Then last year 2020. September. I joined a server from my country. On discord and met Meso. Idc if I’m saying his name. All of my posts before are about him.

I heard from his friends he left me cause of my face.

Again. My face. Looks.

Which I realized long ago doesn’t matter. What matters is how the person is.

At this point I was just so tired.

Everyone left me. Cause I was never good enough for them.

My face. My face. My looks.

And you expect me, to go back jumping into another relationship?

I wasn’t prepared to mentally go into one or give anyone a chance regardless of how I was feeling.

At this point my mind put up a wall.

So this blog is basically about how I regret not giving this new guy i met couple of weeks after meso thing a chance?

My self defense was to push him away.

Even tho I really wanted to be with him.

We decided to be best friends and see where this goes until I feel like I’m genuinely over and is ready to give us a try.

I know he was hurt with me flirting and pushing him back when he flirt back. I apologized I wish he understood my pain a bit more.

They all say they understand and they’d been through similar things but yet they sure as hell don’t seem like they do.

So he and I met irl. He gave me the best memories of this new year by so far. 

He made me close to my family. 

He showed me how everyone around me should had treated me. 

He treated me like a person, like my feelings mattered, like I was special.

All this was so new to me. And I was really enjoying that. I was being treated right for once.

I was slowly opening up-to the idea of giving him a chance. 

I was ready. And when I was, I told him. And he said he doesn’t know anymore.

I wrote him a letter, apologizing, hoping he’d give us a chance.

I think it’s better we stay as bestfriends.

I regret. I regret. I regret.

I really do.

Cause now I have feelings more than just best-friends and I’m noticing how he is slowly losing interest in me. 

How he is slowly fading away from my life, like I was the only one who is emotionally attached to what he and I had. 

He promised he won’t leave me ever, let’s see how true that is.

How I’m no longer a priority. After all I’m just his bestie.

And again I’m hurt.

But please tell me, am I to be blamed?

Is it really my fault I am the way I am?

At this point, I’m just really tired of feelings.

I can’t. 

I’m just not destined, to be loved cause of my face. 

Not everyone who treats you right is the one, and maybe he just isn’t the one for me. 

I will be fine, in a few weeks, a month.

- I’m always fine after all. Regardless of how I feel.