The Happiness (idk what I just wrote I guess I vented?)

 The happiness I’d never get to experience.

When I think of happiness, and think more into future what I see is what I’m writing below.

Maybe because I’m a girl it has to do with everything I dream of ending with happily being married with kids, or it’s just a woman thing.

I have been wronged many. Hurt many. Through many. And yet I didn’t succumb into the storms life threw at me. At the end I always got back up, and pushed myself to not give up.

I don’t know what I want to make happen as my career, many things I want to learn and do which I wasn’t allowed to, I don’t know quite frankly if I’m ever going to be successful in what I plan to do with my career but if it does work out that’s really good, I’d be happy too.

But that isn’t the only thing I’d want in a happy life. All my life I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be someone’s source of happiness. Someone’s special person. I wanted to be cherished, loved, cared by someone I feel the same way about. 

Every time I gave my all, perhaps I was desperate to be loved and settled for just about anything, but I can’t blame myself for wanting to feel something which I never felt even for a second.

Everyone around me has that one person in their life, and seeing that makes me want it even more. 

Every time I meet a person I’m interested in and I know he is interested in me, I give my everything, I’d do anything that makes him happy, I’m such a hopeless romantic, but I also expect the same from him but what he gives me is nothing but sorrow and pain. 

It’s always about something I lack. Never good enough. Or someone better than me. 

When I was small I always saw my parents fight. I heard words which no child should had heard. I saw my dad cheat on my mom who sacrificed her life to take care of me. 

All this makes me not want to trust, or go for it anymore. 

Cause always, in the end, I’m left alone, withering in pain until I decide it’s enough and get myself up. 

Yet still I crave to be loved. To be held when I cry, to be told everything’s going to be okay, to feel like I mean something to anyone who’d even tell me that for a short amount of time. F

All the above low key makes me want to die alone. Makes me want to not try, or give my all, or even hope or expect from people. I’m such a lonely soul. I’m always going to get hurt as long as I feel. 

I don’t care about getting hurt, I’m used to it. But my soul is tired. Tired of having to pull myself up, when everyone around me constantly pushes me down. My soul is tired of living. 

There isn’t a day I don’t wish I wasn’t alive, or a day I wish I could just give up. But the tiny hope inside me makes me want to try. Makes me want to not give up in all aspects of life. Career and love life.

Low key wants to give up but high key I want to be loved for me, without me changing.

Happiness to me is to be independent, and reach the golden age of my career. I don’t believe a career truly stops growing, but I want to be at a place where I can not work for a few years and yet it won’t dent my bank. Happiness for me is living on my own on my own terms, in my own house with not so needed many empty rooms. 

Also for me it’s to find someone who thinks the same and is in the same space as me. To find someone who would cherish me. Who would value me. Who would never let me cry. Who would give me the same energy I give him. 

I want to spend years with him, traveling, having romantic adventures all around the world, and one day to have kids. I don’t know how it feels to carry a child or even have a male reproduction part inside me, yet. 

But all these movies and books I read, portrays the feeling of having a life inside you as a feeling you can’t express with words. I want to feel this life inside me grow, as a symbol of our love, the romantic nights we spent, is going to be reminded everyday when we see our kids. I want to hear the tiny heartbeats coming inside from me. I want to feel the tiny kicks. I want to experience that at least once, but together with that person. 

I feel like I’m writing a romantic novel right now. Maybe I am expecting too much from my life. 

I high key want a happy family because my family when I was a child wasn’t the happiest, and I somehow want to have my own happy family, I want to raise my kids as a better version of me. I want to give what I never had or could get to someone, so be it my kids. 

I don’t know the future. But this is one thing I believe in. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. I am going to live in the moment, and plan for my future, and takes steps everyday to make my future a bright future. I will focus on me, and if I’m destined, my career will happen and also I will find my other piece of heart. 

If non of this works out, I will still be fine. I have been fine by so far.

But I hope, I really do that I get the happiness I crave. 

The happiness I’d never experience yet I crave.