Realising Things

It’s funny how they say they are here for you yet make you feel alone when you go thru shit. They won’t even ask you or be there for you. It’s funny how they say I can always talk to them about my issues and they will help me but they rarely answer and make me feel like I’m over reacting for feeling. 

Maybe before I’d just blame it on me and let it go but it’s today I am putting my feet down. I am allowed to feel disappointed, sad, depressed. I am allowed to feel.

They say to never give up on people who need help and yet they leave me hanging holding on to the rope they cut off as I slowly realise no one is at the other end.

I live on this earth where the prettiest, the most attractive, personality wise not always depressed people get love and help. 

What about the people who aren’t good looking who is socially awkward like me? I see the difference in how they deal with me crying and when others cry. Even tho me and others have similar situations going on. She let’s out a welp and everyone is at her aid and I cry my heart out and nobody comes for me. 

They make me feel like what I feel doesn’t have any authenticity, and I am not allowed to express my pain and feelings.After all I’m seeking the attention she gets- as she is the only one with genuine pain and problems at life. Funny how people talk about hypocrisy and yet do that shit on their own, after all this is humans we are speaking of.

I am waiting for blogpost to download on my iOS as I vent in this server which recently I threatened to delete. I wonder to myself why do I act the way I do but I know the answer. People have pushed me so much I am reacting the way I am today cause of that. My patience is running out as I just keep having mental breakdowns.

I thought he was a friend as I told him my deepest secrets and relied on him yet he easily banned me for advertising a server he used to be in, I thought I was trusted as I had the youtuber role. I wasn’t disappointed I got banned I was disappointed he left, and his Reason was he wasn’t active in it, my question is how many more servers are you inactive yet in cause it belongs to your friends, as I for sure know you don’t have free time to talk in servers that isn’t your own.

The shock reaction of people seeing you in my server, and me proudly saying oh he is my friend oh my was I wrong. He was just a person I invited and just decided to stay.

Time sure does heal and change things, this year was suppose to be me healing my self and being a better person and slowly I am getting better as I grow everyday.

There will come people in your life who will make you feel this way, who will leave you, but oh dear my self, you don’t need anyone in your life to keep going, everyone I loved always has left me and I should know not to rely on others to achieve what you truly crave.

I’m twenty one, I don’t know my plan or goals, I’m figuring my self, I’m healing myself, I got my self. I will one day find my goal, if not now then in future I surely will, until then I just gotta hang on to my own sanity and not go crazy as I go thru things daily.

I can do this alone. I got my self.

I am laying on my bed, in my dark room as I write this the window in front of me shine bright as the sun came out of hiding and I know if I make today a good day it surely will be a good day.

I decide how my day goes.