2019 - an end

I'm scared.

Why am I so strong. 

Strong, that im scared of how many things I can still go thru 

It's just the same everyday. 

I keep on trying. 

Please someone help me. 

So sick of being lonely. 

And when I thought everything was getting better, it's back again. 

Can I just live a normal life.. 

I wish I had someone who understand- or try to..

I'm scared. I survived, cancer. I survived a traumatising childhood, my parents fought and fought cause Dad cheated on mom, I remember Dad getting physical during a fight. I survived my mom's death. I survived, getting bullied. I survived, the comments and taunts from my own family. I survived the hard punishments my father gave me, because I didn't study. 

I'm scared because I went thru all that and yet somehow I'm alive, I did try to end it. 

Somehow I didn't die.. 

When I was 15 I tried to hang my self. I was up on my bed with my blanket tied to the fan when my little brother, came into the room.

He called dad and said, 'sister's s trying to hang'

My dad said 'Go ahead kill your self' and left.. 

Then I tried to drink bleach, my uncle broke the door and took it from me. 

Then I tried to overdose on medicine, I don't remember much about that day. But I didn't die.

Then I moved to self harm. It seemed to help. Deep inside I knew it was bad. 

And the cuts made me feel more bad. Made me hate my self more. 

This circle needs to end. 

I have good years, and bad years. 

There are years, I'm not depressed af and there is the years, I just want to end it. 

I stopped cutting, I started to do things and was happy again, to go back to this. 

To relapse. To start cutting. 

That was a 2 or 3 months ago. 

I was having a breakdown and it just happened.

When this overwhelming sadness flows thru me, I want to hurt my self. 

I want to claw my self, I want to throw my self at the wall, or somehow hurt my self so I could be sane and call that the reason for feeling hurt. 

I know I will be fine, I know I will get over this. And that's scary..