If she was here..

Yeah, I haven't really written for a long time. More like, I didn't really publish any.

I don't feel good. Let put that out there.

Every year, is fucking passing, and I can't seem to figure out what I want to do with this life.

I try, and I try to have a positive outlook in life.

I give others hope, and advice about how giving up is lame. But still I want to give up.

But I can't, because I got to live for my mother..

She didn't leave me here, all alone to watch me get defeated by time.

She would had wanted me to do what I loved, but i don't know what I love anymore.

I truly lost the feeling love.

LOVE was when my mom was here with me.

I won't lie, my father isn't making my life any easier. I'm sorry, I have self esteem issues, and I can't seem to stand up for my self.

But its not my fault. Everyone around me, makes me hate my self. Makes me doubt my capabilities. Makes me feel useless.

And then you expect me to..

Oh boy.. Who really cares about me? Only I.

I wish I could just leave everyone and go somewhere far. Away from everyone.

I just want to die peacefully because I know, I can not make my mother proud of me. Because I know I'm good at nothing.

I want to live. I do. But.. Not this life.

All this is happening after she died.

I'm so ungrateful for the things I have, sure. I'm tired of acting to be happy.

It's fine. I'm always fine.

You see, fun fact about me.

You can hurt me as much as you want, I'd still be fine. I'm used to it. I'm used to being treated like shit, being used, being nothing.

I'm so used to it, the thought of being something scares me. I am serious.

When I say, I want to die alone. When I said I do not want anyone to love me, I'm serious.

Im not worth being loved, or to be with anyone.

No I'm not giving up, even tho I want to set my self on fire.

Cool idea, set my self on fire, visit hell and say hi to lucifer.

I'm not doing that. I always preach about self care, suicide is not a option, and yet I want to do shit to me.

I really need help, I say this alot. But who cares? I will just sleep, feel better, and this never happened.

I never felt this. Its just today.

I'm prolly not publishing this. Who'd read this shit. No one.