Maybe my mother's day post

I wrote a post hoping this year would send me straight to Mars, would let me bloom into the flower I wish to be or maybe wings would not be cut off and I would fly to infinity.

The year started on January of course and now its May, the month of Ramadan is starting. Till now this year was full of  a lot of emotions. I got a job, because I wanted to be independent and well I did it.

I want to write about a lot of things but I can't jumble all of them so today or whichever date I publish this, I think I'm going to talk about my view on parents.

Parents; mother and father. Mother.. In my view my mom was the closest to me. Even when I was small I always felt more warmth and love from her. After all I am a part of her, I came out of her body. I fed on her food, Heck I fed from her too. A mother would always love her child no matter what. She would be always by her child's side. She would never find faults in her perfect child. 

My mom would shower me with love and that did spoil me a bit haha.. But also when ever I did something wrong she would talk to me calmly and explain it to me. Mothers are loving, caring, kind, giving, accepting, calm, problem tacklers, they always put us ahead of them. For them we are their world their everything. My mother might  not be here physically with me right now but I know somewhere out there in another universe she is there looking at me. Maybe she is cursing my head off for the silly things I end up doing with my life which mother would had guided me in living if she was here.

One of the  things she always taught me was to give. Even if you don't get anything in return give. Just give.

When I was a small girl and I would go to India for my eye treatment, I would take old clothes and toys to give to the poor. My grandfather would send a big big box full of junk food for me, and there would be alot left. So rather than bringing it all my mother taught me to give it to the kids who wouldn't get as much as food I get. They don't get to throw tantrums or decide what food they want. They just eat what they get. I remember once me and mother got surrounded by beggers, we were giving my old clothes away.

Since she died I always wondered how my life would had been with her. Would I be happy? Or would I just feel the same? Sometimes I wish I could just get to put my head on her lap and ask her to put her hands on my head. I wish I could hug her once more. I wish she would hold my hand and maybe just maybe I would wakeup to her waking me up. I miss her presence on this earth. But I also know she is in a much better place.

Most probably alot of things would had gone different in my life if she was alive however this is life, not a book I can erase parts of and re write in my characters favor. I fancy writing but I always make sure my characters stay happy in the end. And then they lived happily ever after right? Too bad this is life not a book.

Father, I don't know. Both my parents sacrificed alot to bring me where I am.

I can see from one eye because of my parents quick wit and also Allah's blessing and my families dua's. I know they spent countless nights and days without fulfilling their daily needs just to be near me. When I was small my father would always be at India doing military courses. He missed alot of my birthday's and a lot of my child hood. But he would always send cards to mom and a few barbies for me. I used to have a lot of toys. To me a father is someone who is always there to save me. My super man. But mine wasn't always there for me. Especially when I needed someone after my mother's demise. I'm not saying my dad is bad. He is the best-est dad in the world.

Maybe this blog post would be about parenting. About how I would like to take care of my kids if I ever do have them that is. Maybe this is also about what personalities and traits I would like in a husband. Well to someone who doesn't believe in love and hates the idea of having a boyfriend or being in love thinking of all this is weird. But it's good right to believe maybe just maybe one day I will find someone I could love and would end up being together for a long time. I don't believe forever exists. But a long time sure does. I would want him to believe in equality. We can cook together, do dishes together, do laundry together. 

I will spend fortunes on him and so will he on me. I will go to work and so will he. We will work to make our future and our kids future secure before actually having them of course. He should at least have a plan about when he wants kids. I want to be prepared to take care of them and give them the best this world offers. Of course I meant having a load of money to spend on them without even blinking. No I am not going to spoil them. They won't get everything they want. 

They have to earn it. Like I did. I grew up being spoilt but I started to grow up and not get things whenever I wanted. Hence my kids have to know that they can't get everything there finger touches or heart yearns. Starting from a kid, that way it would be easier to explain and instil good values. Now taking my case for example by spoiling me when I was small that made me think that I needed everything I wanted. I maybe still don't value money like I should but that's another problem with me and myself. 

Woohoo, now this post is about parents and parenting. This is really a weird post. 

The one word I used a lot, "maybe".

Well maybe this is my mother's day post to the mother who won't get to read it.