The guts I had.

When I was in 4th grade and today who I am is vastly different, did I become a better person than I was back then? Or am I lacking one positive attitude I used to have?

I have become a better person but also I lost the girl who wouldn't bat a eyelid before doing crazy things, crazy in a good way. She used to love presenting, she would never keep her head down, she always smiled, she ignored the comments she got for being wild and care free and also how she looked didn't bother her. She was innocent. And brave to deal with the negativity in her life.  4th grade was when I started to write, love letters to my crush in hope he'd send me one back. Well i don't know who if it's he or just some other person, every time I would be taken to the supervisors and told to stop (because someone complained? I don't know) but well little did i stop. My memory is short, but I'm assuming I stopped when I was in 7th grade.

My first ever writing was love letters. That's how I originally started to write. Even back then I was a hopeless romantic and this makes me cringe. What was I thinking when every time a letter I wrote got caught even when my parents were called and still I didn't stop. That's because little did I care about what people thought of me, and I clearly know what they thought of me. Just a girl after a boy who Hates her. I must say I scared him for life by sending him letters and some what portraying that I was running after him, I was acting as if I can't live a better life without a boy. If I right now continuously wrote letters to someone that'd be stalking and I could get in trouble? But that's the catch. I won't take risks. I won't do anything that causes trouble or conflicts to me or others. With time I lost my confidence and my guts.

I'm not saying what I did wasn't wrong to some extent, and I'm writing about this today to apologise to him. The boy I wrote my first love letter, who had to bear the humiliation of being my crush. It must had made you hate me cause, I faintly remember how when we were in same class once how we girls and boys separately played musical chairs and I won from girls and you won from boys and we were asked to dance together but you went under a table to hide whilst I was in front of you sitting on top of a table because neither did I wanted to dance with you. But deep inside I was hoping maybe he will come out of the table and we will dance but meh. (Such a romantic thought for a small girl, I cry.)

I wish I had the guts I had back then. I wish I could walk care free on the streets strutting my fat body. I wish I could go out late at night cause I couldn't sleep and jump out of a cliff into deep water. I wish i could jump out of a plane while the sun is rising, diving and exploring dangerous under water caves, swimming with groups of sharks, close encounters with lions, going hiking into a forest and getting hospitalised cause I ate wild berries I wasn't suppose to eat; I wish I could do reckless things. Things that makes my heart pump more blood or makes me skip a beat. Things that make my head light headed. Things that makes my soul feel content and I feel free. And maybe one day, all that would happen. And I don't need a man to jump from the cliff besides me into the deep sea.

You know who you are, well whether you read it or not here is my apology for what I did years n years ago. This is not another love letter or I'm not trying to get back into your life. I'm happy with mine, and I'm never going to stop writing.

This blog post is corny and cringey af, I wonder who even actually reads my blog meh. And these are my private blogs that a few friends read. Thank you!