What's wrong with me

Abyss for words, trying to explain how I feel. Either I'm told I should've get over it or to not bother them. Why should I repeat when it's not going in their thick-skulled brain that I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask my past to be so grievous that it desecrated my mental health. I was weared and teared so destructively  I imploded and yet I held on to the small fragments of my self and endeavored to mend.

Eventually I started to not be depressed any more since I ate the most of it away but still I couldn't control my mind, the way I thought. Still I think everyone hates me. Nobody wants me to Be here. Such a ugly living creature on this planet, better of dead.

I am constantly felt like I'm unwanted, a burden. Like every other I do have friends too but when they don't reply to me as fast as I reply, I must had done something wrong. Are we even friends any more? I'm such a bad friend. It's easy to crack me up, they call me cry baby but idfc. Small things tend to make me want to cry. I am not doing this because I want to. Who would want to cry every time some one raises their voice on you. I am tired of crying.
I am tired of no one understanding that I didn't ask to feel this way. I didn't ask to be treat so bad that I alwaya feel like yes everyone is the same. They all will treat me the same. Everyone will eventually hurt me since they are the same. I didn't ask to have anxiety either. I didn't ask to over think and cry like my heart just got exploded.

I want to stop this too. I am not losing hope because I want to. I my self am confused to what's going on. I don't remember much, I just feel confused to why am I being felt so bad. I just wish I could end it. I love life but this isn't what I wanted my life to be like. So am I just going to keep on wishing my life could be that and this or actually put an effort?

Actually try to change my mind set and start to think about peaches and rainbows?

That is what I have been doing for a long time, I didn't felt the need to tell people that hey I am trying to not be  pessimistic anymore  since 56 days ago. And I swear to lord that this aren't a easy task to change your mind set into peaches and rainbows since its so used to storms and bones. I'm used to sleep my self to cry. It's good night for me when it's morning to others. I have mood swings more than the damn sea waves hitting the shore, every millisecond it's a new mood.

When I asked for help after a much worse breakdown all I got called was for getting possessed by a jinn for staying up late at night. Stop blaming me for sleeping late, I don't do that on purpose. A warm mug of milk or listening to sea wave sounds doesn't work for my insomnia! My mental state is bad, I'm not crazy. I just know that my mentality is bad. I'm not thinking straight. I don't have control on my actions and i enact  without thinking.

It's okay to be not okay. It's okay to be confused about life. It's okay to not have control on your thoughts and actions. All you need is help. Hopefully, the people you ask for help would help you. Count your blessings and stay blessed.