My Schmaltzy Journey of Life.

Why? Why do I give so much importance to people I meet online  Why do I get attached so quickly  Why am I so needy Why am i a burden on everyone around me? Why am I doing everything wrong  Why do I seek validation from strangers online? Why am I struggling to live in real life  Why am I such a toxic friend? Why am I such a terrible person? Why am I like this? Why am I hurting myself.. all the time. Why am I always hurt. Why do I want to be loved so badly- Why do I want to be accepted so badly? Why am I like this.. Why am I in so much pain? Why does my heart always sting ? Why do I wish my lungs would stop help me breathe? Why do I wish my heart would stop beating? Why do I have dark thoughts? Why do I have different ways of how I can end my life in my head? Why do I struggle sleeping at night? Why do I have self esteem issues? Why am I never confident in what I do? Why do I struggle to know what’s good and wrong? Why am I like this? I dont know.  Why do I hope every time things would b

  Last plea for help Nobody takes my words seriously. Nobody takes me seriously. When I say I’m tired, they tell me ‘go rest, go sleep’ That’s not the tired I am.  I’m just tired of living. I don’t want this life. 15th November 1998, I was born. My parents first child. My grandparents first grandchild. The first girl of the house. Everyone was so happy, that I was here. Then, I got tumors in both eyes. *Insert sad struggle time*  So I somehow survived that. My family loves me a lot even today. They let me get away with shit. They care about me a lot. They spoil me even now and I’m 22 now. They always made me feel special and loved.  Yet I don’t feel very wanted and loved.  Then I went to school. You know you study, and if lucky get friends.  I was always discriminated, left alone cause of my disability. Oh forgot to mention the tumor? It ate up one of my eye. So my right eye is made out of plastic. Yet my mom made sure I never let that put me down. I’d come back home and tell my mom ev

  Regret is all I have  I did a lot of venting today, and this is one positive thing I did today. I have many regrets in life. One thing I regret a lot this 2021 is losing my chance with this man who treated me special. I wish he would had understood me a bit more and waited for me. I know my constant flirting which I do unknowingly, I can’t flirt for the love of god if I try yet unconsciously I be doing that. Me constantly doing that and when he did it back, my self defense kicked in and made me bro zone him. That’s must had been painful.  You keep trying with this girl and all she does is push you away, it must be hard.  I really wish our timing was different. I wish I gave you the chance when I had the opportunity to. I wish I wasn’t healing from a past relationship when we met.  I wish you would give us a chance. But you have already decided to be just best friends. All the time I spent with you, I genuinely liked you, I wanted to be with you, but man I have been hurt so many time

  Because I’m disabled   Because I was born with a disease. Because I couldn’t heal it and had to remove it. Because I asked god to make this happen to me.  Because I asked to have cancerous tumors which either gets regressed and healed by chemotherapy and radiation or have to take the part that has the tumor cause if i don’t it’s going to spread and kill me. Because I survived a painful childhood. Because I had to remove my right eye, in order for me to live.  For me to survive and live.  For my parents first child to not die young. I am tired, of constantly being judged. Being treated different, like I’m some sort of a disgusting monster, like I don’t have feelings cause I’m not pretty.  I am tired of men who literally leave me, cause, girl your face it’s just not pretty. You think I asked to look like this? You think I like looking like this? You think I’m glad that surviving this made me have many self esteem issues? Which also was caused by people around me? I shouldn’t be used to